30 September 2000 :)
My brother Ricky flew in from Atlanta today and Aunt Toni and I went to get him from Newark airport..... got a little lost but eventually found him. When we got back everyone wanted to go out for lunch... I was really wiped out but it was fun to hang with the gang.
29 September 2000 :(
More changes.... Trever is not going anywhere until Monday.... but instead of a twenty eight day rehab it’s gonna be an eight week treatment center, so that’s better. Every day I get homesick for him - even though he’s here..... it’s Ok ‘cause if I get too sad I just remember back to last Sunday.
Mary, my friend and neighbor moved to her new apartment today.... She’s still in town.... just not next door... drats!
Mom, Aunt Pam, Aunt Toni and Aunt Rusty, (and Treasure) all came by and it was great to see everybody in the kitchen.... it just felt so right. They brought dinner and I opened some wine... Aunt Toni said that she was thinking of becoming an alcoholic (for kicks) and I’m thinking of getting a narcotic’s habit..... and buy my drugs wholesale from the kids, (I should pay retail?)
28 September 2000 :)
Well for starters I officially have no eyebrows... non... nada ... ZIP..... and just in time for Halloween!
Got my Chemo this morning and went out on an appointment this evening..... not really a big deal.... but it is for me these days.
Tonight may or may not be Trever’s last night for a while.... seems to be some hang ups at Ye Ol’ Rehab..... ready for this?.... If the problem was him drinking alcohol he’d be in there in a snap - drug use is different.... that seems to be the hold up.... geeeeze....no sweat... Jim and I are on it!
Speaking of Jim, Trever’s probation officer.... a big burly guy, told me the funniest story..... Since he has been working so closely with us to help Trever and Shawn he has learned a lot about me and Ian .... ya know, like what we do for a living (Ian doing the fashion shows and all) the boys home life and stuff like that....... seems that last Friday he was reading the New York News with his coffee, (his morning routine) when his wife looked over and said, “Jim.... what are you doing?”..... “Reading the paper.” he replied.... “Yea... but that’s the Fashion section” a bit confused...... “Well,” he snapped back, “the Blass and Halston shows were yesterday!”
27 September 2000 :)
OK... I got every one all worked up about Trever going to rehab today, but as it turns out it’s delayed until Friday! To begin with Arms Acres won’t take him.... they claim that there are no beds available.... yeah..... sure... I can just picture the staff members that might have been around the phone... their eyes open wide, heads shaking from side to side, desperately waving their arms at the girl who’s on the phone - silently mouthing, ‘n-o--b-e-d-s’.
Instead they’re referring him to their “sister facility”, up past Albany. I had to tell Trever what was going on ‘cause when the call came in from Arms Acres - guess who answered the phone... yup... Our Hero. I warned him that if he did any crap before he went this time it could easily result in having his probation violated.... I reviewed all his options and cautioned him as best I could.... my friend Banu says, “If your gonna be stupid - be smart about it” and that’s what I tried to impress on the lad... told him just how serious it was this time ... and.... I think he’s getting it... although time alone will tell.
He and Shawn spent the day together... Shawn was sorta sad at the thought of his brother going away.... still haven’t figured that one out!
Ahhhh, tomorrow Ian and I are planning to go to Middletown.... have a little lunch.... do a little Chemo... kick some cancer butt! Of course when your Chemotherapy appointment seems like a break... you could be under stress.... hrmn.
26 September 2000 :\
Still feeling punky... but hanging in there.
We had a meeting with Trever and Shawn’s probation officer... (Now, there’s a sentence that will never sound quite right).... It looks like the recommendation is to have Trever go back to another twenty eight day rehab. If they don’t feel that he’s really trying they will refer him to a long term facility..... that hurts..... I’m missing him already..... but I know that it’s for his highest good that he get straightened out... I know that, but still it feels sad. The little guy is asleep and he doesn’t even know that he’s probably going tomorrow. If they let him know there was a real concern that he would have a ‘last harrah’... (Just before he went to rehab the first time he went out with his ‘friends’ and did shrooms.).........*sigh*.... still, I’m gonna miss the little guy.... ‘course - I miss him all the time as it is!
Ian’s Mom came over with a wonderful lunch and a special custard... she has been really wonderful and so supportive throughout this entire adventure.
25 September 2000 :\
After speaking with the nurse in Florida... to be sure that everything was on track I went to see Jeff, the local oncologist. He carefully explained to how very important it was that he and I see each other on a frequent basis and that I take nothing for granted. He sited the example that pneumonia’s can also be an indicator of more complex problems such as lung cancer, or radiation burns, (which don’t surface for six months to a year after treatment... huh).... In my case he feels too that it is pneumonia, possibly bronchitis... told me to stay in bed and ride it out. I had more chicken soup and stayed in bed for the rest of the day. Which was hard ‘cause I felt Ok.
I had taken Trever with me.... to keep an eye on him and in the desperate hope that we may reconnect somehow.... see the boy I know and love is somewhere under that pile of laundry he calls fashion.
24 September 2000 :/
Made chicken soup and stayed in bed most of the day.
23 September 2000 :/
I woke up feeling so beat up. I canceled a business appointment that I had made and called the Doctor instead.... he said I should head to the ER, so for the second time in a week I found myself in the Emergency Room. Seems I have the start of pneumonia.... *sigh* ... oh well. They took an ‘arterial’ blood draw.... and I’m here to tell ya that it really hurts... I get blood taken every week and never feel nauseous - this was a first. Seems that taking blood from an artery just hurts like a bitch - period. I thought that I would faint... kinda funny now.
I spoke to Marv today... he’s just beginning to feel some of the yucky sides of the chemo....... he’s such a fighter.... gotta love the guy.
Mariann returned from Disney and learned all about the hell we had managed to live through.
22 September 2000 :/
Today was delightfully uneventful.... boring even... how wonderful. Ian and I are still under that ‘cloud’ you get when you stay up as we did. I suspect that we should be back to normal by Saturday.
21 September 2000 :)
Just as I thought ... Ian stayed up all night.... I got 30 minutes sleep. We headed off for New York and decided to drive, even though we were exhausted so that I could at least not be trapped in a train with a bunch of people who might be coughing and stuff. There were a couple of scary moments due to the fact that I was so wiped out, but we got there safe... thanks to God and strong coffee.
The Halston show was a success (hats off to Diana, Ian’s partner extraordinare) and the Bill Blass ‘front-of-house’ was a huge success due to Ian’s incredible attention to detail and his almost anal organizational skills. He had so many socialites, celebrities and notables, truly a who’s who all in the first two rows. He sat over 900 and stood almost as many. It was wild! When it was over we drove home he ate dinner and trotted off to bed....... lucky duck.... I drank so much coffee (so that I could drive us home) that even though my eyes won’t focus - they won’t close.
20 September 2000 :/
Ian did not go to bed at all last night .... at least I got five hours.... working on the Blass Show. Poor bastard - then he went into New York today. I have focused all my energy on assisting him and Diana.... this is the crunch time. Ian went into New York today and tomorrow he has to go back and work the tents .... I’m not supposed to go without a mask, but I am.... screw it! So far he STILL has not had sleep..... it’s 5:30 in the morning and I will have stayed up all night too.... but Ian is amazing ‘cause this will be two days...... hmmm.... (could HE be on drugs?... acquired from our resident pharmacists?)
Spoke with Jim, the probation officer.... hmmm.... there are some decisions about the boys that have to be made... I’ll think about them after the shows.... not now.
Oh.... I also learned that beside the acid, Trever also ingested Lithium..... amazing.... apparently he’ll eat anything in the company of his ‘friends’... I have the damnedest time getting him to sit down and eat breakfast!
Jilly, my Jilly, described my life simply as, “Being in an electric storm..... holding the biggest fucking lightning rod...” and ya know... *PHZZZZZT* ..... she makes a good point!
19 September 2000 :/
Just totally exhausted! Ian is working away at the Show stuff.
Kristopher read the site and flew here from Connecticut... In the insanity of what feels like a month ago, I forgot to call him and he learned it all via the site.... opps!
I have made up my mind that neither boy is going near the downtown area without me being present - period. I am resolved and have every intention to use force to secure that decision and carry an aluminum bat in my car. I have warned both my sons as well as the police of just how serious I am...... Although I am not looking forward to breaking any knee caps I feel that I must do what I must do.... and I have never enjoyed such clarity.
18 September 2000 :(
12:30 am: I called home only to learn that Shawn too had ingested acid.... I also learned that Dominic D. had paid for them and Nicky I. had made the initial buy from a guy that worked at The Bakery.... sweet huh? I called the police and was told that I would have to bring in Shawn to give a statement. As soon as Trever was back and settled I drove back to New Paltz.... got Shawn and brought him to the station. He told them everything. I was assured that Dominic and Nicky would be arrested - as they were 16. They also told me to take Shawn to the hospital in case he too started to go into convulsions like Trever. So back to the hospital I went... now with Shawn.... he turned out to be Ok. We stayed at the hospital for fourteen hours waiting for Trever to come to.
He woke up several times .... and each time he was alarmed and confused as to where he was and how such an event could take place.... he also denied taking the acid in the beginning of each episode.... and each time Shawn and I would assure him that I knew already...and I’d relate the whole story. They are both heading off to rehab this week ....... which also settles the ‘Gee who are we gonna get to watch the twins’ dilemma.... and as I was drifting off to sleep I realized how lucky I was.... this could easily have been the day I buried my son Trever.... but thankfully God has other ideas.
Speaking of God... I had a long talk with the big guy and - just to be sure there was no misunderstanding - ya know how that happens.....I made it crystal-fucking-clear that this was IT... really.... that *ding* I’m done... no more.... folks are getting jealous already.... heh.
17 September 2000 >:O
Nothing could have prepared me for today.....Nothing.
It started off ok.... Mariann and Robbie flew off to Disney for a week’s vacation... I was working with Ian going over the invitation list for the fashion shows. Later in the day I even went to Mom’s and attended the introduction to the Esoteric Tarot class that she will be teaching.... is was delivered with style and grace by my Anne Levinson, an amazing woman that I have been so privileged to know since I was fifteen.
I returned home and back to the list with Ian... Shawn came home and then Trever soon after. I went upstairs to find out what they wanted for dinner.... ready to treat them to whatever they wanted.... Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, pizza.... Trever was ambivalent. I asked him to wash the dog and he said, “Ok” AT that point my spidey sense started to tingle. “Off the record Trever, are you high”... “No” I told them how proud I was that they were behaving so well and went down stairs and started to get their dinner ready.
When I realized that Shawn was screaming at the top of his lungs I thought they were fighting over something...then I heard him yell..... “HE’S HAVING A SEIZURE” ... and I bolted up the stairs..... there was my son laying naked on the floor shaking.... his head was wedged between the bed.... frantically scratching at his neck.... I grabbed Trever and yelled for Shawn to tell Ian to call an ambulance..... I yelled it several times. Trever was jerking his mouth was clenched so tight that I could not open his mouth.... his tongue was choking him... he couldn’t breath.... the noises were horrifying and the look of terror in his eyes is a look that I can never forget as long as I live.
I told Shawn to get me a spoon... and I yelled that a few times too. Trever was getting ready to pass out... I forces the hard silver soon handle inside his mouth I knew I ran the risk of fracturing his teeth, but I did it anyway, (turns out it didn’t break anything)... But Trever stopped breathing and his eyes relaxed and went into the back of his head and I was never more scared in my life.
I was begging him not to die... I yelled his name and told him I loved him.... was rocking him and trying to pick him up like I did when he was a baby. That’s when the paramedics ran up the stairs and saved him.
He had ingested 3 gummy worms.... soaked in acid. He would later tell me that at one point he believed he could remove the acid soaked worms by pulling them out with his hands, (that’s why he was tearing at his throat) ... This was his big trip.
At the ER it took 7 grown men to hold him down.... he ripped, and I mean he ripped two IV’s out of his arm and the blood really squirted out of the wound with a pulse like in the cartoons.... he ‘removed’ a third. He was screaming like a wild animal and I just laid on his feet with all my weight... touching him and trying to send him my thoughts. when he finally calmed down and they were assured he was out of the wood - took him for a cat scan to see if there was any permanent brain damage.
16 September 2000 :)
More work with Ian. We went to bed at three in the morning.... it will be like that until the day after the shows.... I know... I’ve seen it for too many seasons.
Kris and Melanie came over to have dinner with us... Boy that was nice.... I enjoy them so much.
15 September 2000 :)
Tara Shannon stopped by to share some exciting news on her way further north and we enjoyed some sushi. As we got talking I mentioned the book and how I would like to dedicate part of it to The Work. She was excited ‘cause she was off to meet up with Byron Katie who developed the concept. Heck.... I may end up meeting her this weekend.... to discuss the idea with her in person. I hope that she welcomes the inclusion.... The idea of ‘Me having cancer’ rather than cancer having me..... was major... it really was the turning point for me and was brought about by The Work, (see: December 1999 on the 18th - The Epiphany)
Oh boy.... how could I forget... the biopsy (doesn’t that sound like the name of Peter Cottontail’s bisexual brother.... Biopsy?)... anyway the biopsy came back negative... Yes!... this is where I do the happy dance. Thank you for all the prayers you’ve said..... I know I say that a lot... but then you all pray a lot too!
Ian and Diana, and their team are working so feverishly on the Halston and Blass shows.... It’s hard work but Fashion Week is such a fun time in New York... just a buzz with editors of every big magazine and news paper.... celebrities, notables, and socialites.... as Patsy from Ab-Fab said, “Rows and rows of skeletons with Jackie O. hairdos” Well when it’s all over I want to steal Ian away to Key West for a while... he can rest - I can write... at least start the book there, as I’ve said..... The only problem is getting someone to watch over the boys! Mariann started to shake when I broached the subject and Ian’s Mom can still remember the last time.... I need someone with a bad memory.... someone on Prozac.
14 September 2000 :)
My Aunt Rusty had some great news - her blood is improving... with out using the Neupogen!
Ian went into New York again.... I kept working on other stuff to do with the shows..... sounds simple... took all day.
Some really cool stuff is going on around here.... the guys are really acting human! No fighting, their coming home on time, making their beds and they even offer to help...... huh.... OK - WHERE ARE MY KIDS!
13 September 2000 :)
Today was a whirl of stuff that needed to be done and people who needed to be called.... just a madhouse. I dropped Ian off at the station ‘cause he had to go to see the Blass and Halston tents... the shows are next week.... then I drove to Middletown to see Jeff (the oncologist). When I got there they told me that he was an hour behind.... no problem - I went out and had fun for an hour (Dr.’s orders... sorta).... when I got back they told me I was the next one up.... I must speak with Jeff.... the waiting area is dismal..... no music, no air movement, walls that are too white... anyway after another half an hour of listening to the others grumble about the wait I realized it’s my decision whether or I’ll allow someone to waste my time or not..... and if cancer teaches you anything it’s not to waste time.... so I went to the front desk and let them know that I was finished waiting and to give my regards to Jeff... they insisted that I couldn’t leave and I assured them that I was. Later Jeff called me at home to apologize for the event, which I though was nice..... but this overbooking thing that happens is bullshit and should not be happening in an oncologists office... there are very rarely any emergencies for starters and there are people in these places for whom time is more precious than gold.
12 September 2000 :)
Our friend Sonya came by and dropped off a book that I’m going to read called, “Sugar Blues” ‘cause I eat too much sweet stuff.... says she. Sonya really is good about what she eats and she knows all the stuff that’s good for you.... surprisingly she also know what tastes good too! That is a super combination since I have never really found stuff in a health food store that would coax me in off a ledge... if ya know what I mean.
I spoke with Derroch Moores, the surgeon that did the dilatation yesterday, he said that he also took a biopsy of some ‘crystalline’ looking cells that were on the stomach side of the operation site. He said we’ll know what they are in a few days... meanwhile I’ll just snack on Anti-Depressants.
11 September 2000 :)
We left for the hospital early... had to be there by 7:00 AM for all the stuff they needed to do for the operation. While we where waiting I couldn’t help be brought back to the time that I was there. I told Ian how nice it was to remember all the closeness that we shared during that time... he was amazed. He reminded me of the tubes and the pain and not being able to eat or drink for eight days... and all the pain I was in... ya know, I had forgotten all about that... it is amazing how Chemo really allows you to forget... (either that or I should consider lowering the dosage of Paxil).
Inside the holding area for the O.R. I was next to one amazing woman. Her name is Teddy and the reason that I’m telling you that she was amazing is because she is a real fighter! We were both wide awake, (neither one of us wanted the ‘pre-op’) She was telling a tech that if her up coming wedding had another snag she was gonna have the priest say a eulogy over her casket instead of her vows. At this point the tech laughingly suggested that she refrain from using that word - just as I mock whispered out of the side of my mouth, “ Ix-nay on the asket-cay” and we all started to laugh. It was then that we made our introductions. Teddy’s story was wild... seems a guy wanting to avoid hitting a squirrel turned into her lane and hit her head on... He was driving an eighteen wheeler! Her head was smashed into pieces and her knee was fused to the dashboard, her ankle was destroyed and the list of internal damages was a mile long. Now after a year of work and rehabilitation and all that goes with it - she was here to have the knee replacement - replaced and the plate changed and would be ‘down for the count’ another three months..... yet here she was... laughing and being a kind hearted soul.... in my book that makes her ‘amazing’. The nurse said that she respected the both of us ‘cause we could laugh and be social - even under these circumstances... heh.... I can’t speak for Teddy, but after what I’ve been through - this was a walk in the park... bet she feels about the same.
Later when the time came for them to discharge me the nurse took my vitals again and noted that after telling me that I could go home my blood pressure was higher.... huh.... I wonder why?
10 September 2000 :)
Ian got his glasses today... one pair are oval like the last but the other pair are small rectangles and look really neat.
Got to see De today, I went over to her house... Boy is it peaceful... she lives in a place that I swear is magical.... complete with water falls, gardens, a live peacock, and a working historic mill... just magic! We talked about the ideas for the book and she showed me the rough draft of the ‘Diarrhea Fairy’.... It’s not done yet or I’d share it with you. See, the idea is to bring a sense of lightness and some laughter to an otherwise dismal experiance... cancer may not be a bowl of cherries... but it isn’t the pits either.
Tomorrow I’m going for another operation.... in spite of my swallowing difficulties... I still managed to gain weight.... do ya believe it? There is NO justice!
9 September 2000 :)
I’m really excited ‘cause I added a prayer list .... (See the top right hand corner.) I want everyone to simply email me names of anyone that they want added... easy breezy. (I did it myself - Ira will be proud) I am also planning on adding a links page too.
I went to see Mom and My Aunt Pam and Aunt Toni-Ann and Kristen was there too... it was fun to hang out with everybody.
8 September 2000 :\
I took Ian to the station ‘cause he had to go to Blass today... he looked so handsome, but as he was getting ready this morning his glasses broke! Isn’t that just the way? So he used an older pair that he wasn’t crazy for. The meeting went off without a hitch and we’ll order a new pair tomorrow.
I got to talk with my cousin Linda in Key West.... she is so great... she wants Ian and I to come visit... boy do we want to... trying to get everything here squared away and Ian is waiting to get the fashion shows behind him.... soon I hope... it would be great to see Linda and Gary, (he’s a real life treasure hunter for Mel Fisher - isn’t that wild!) ... hmmm... might even start the book there.
I had a meeting with a lawyer to look into collecting disability... that would be cool! If you are disabled and expect to be for at least a year you are eligible.... hey, I plan to get back to it as soon as is humanly possible, but in the meantime it would be a good thing. This was weird.... the meeting was an hour away from me... as I was on the Thruway for about 40 minutes I started to get so tired that I had to pull off the road and take a 12 minute map.... like I was in my 90s or something! I figured what the hell... if I have to live like a 90 year old man in my forty’s that’s OK.... as long as I get to live like a 40 year old guy when I’m in my 90s!
7 September 2000 :/
Of all the mornings for Trever to wake up on time... it had to be today! You see, Jim the probation officer had planned a surprise urine test for him this morning. The visualization of a bleary eyed, foul mouthed Trever trying to focus on Jim’s face and then realizing it was him and the extent of his presence led me to think Jim might get a stool sample too... hmmm.... but alas there was Our Hero wide awake and dressed half an hour early. When Jim came he asked for a sample... but Trever came up empty.... He was told to “drink up” and that he’d be back in an hour. When he did return the test did not show two marks like it was supposed to so Jim told Trever to get his things together... Trever was shocked..... he insisted that there were two marks and yelled for me to come look... I did - and I saw two as well and using the magnifying glass Jim saw them too... “Never mind Trever you can stay put.” then he said to me, “I must be getting old.”..... I just pictured all these kids with dirty faces, in lock up, with their metal cups clanking against the iron bars....exhaustedly insisting that there WERE two marks..... hehe.
The condo got the carpet today... looks great! There was, of course, a snag... a leak in the guest bath that threatened to delay the installation of the flooring.... I fixed it though and they should get in there tomorrow to finish the job.
6 September 2000 :)
School began for Shawn, (we’re still waiting for feedback on Trever’s). There is a tradition in our family that my Mother started..... The First Day Breakfast. It is a big day in the Pisano house. The table is set in an elaborate manner and in the center is a porcelain menu that lists all the fare that’s offered.... which is almost everything. There are matching name plates at the head of each place setting... all of this is prepared the night before. it’s fun..... and it’s been happening since I started school.
I was working at the condo when Ian came over to tell me that Trever was at the Police station. Seems that Our Hero was panhandling at the Mobil station where all the thuglets hang out... he swears that there is no truth to it..... but admitted to swearing at the owner for calling the police.... hrmn.... I offered him a weeks grounding or he could opt to work with me at the condo... all night.... which he chose.... Wowzer - after an hour I was ready to call the Police too. I also told him that we are going back to the Mobil station and apologize to the man he swore at.... did I mention that he’s not happy?
Got my T-shirts that I had made today.... I’m sure that I had mentioned that the older folk in the town are sorta looking at me as if I’m some Nazi skinhead..... so the T-shirts are simply say.... Got Chemo?
5 September 2000 :)
Today I was speaking with John in New York... boy did I get homesick for being back to normal. I am really looking forward to feeling good enough to go to the office.
Had a great meeting with Trever and Shawn’s probation officer... it was a good week. Tomorrow Shawn goes to school ... (Yea).... and Trever should begin Tutoring .... although the school has not returned my calls as yet.
There is another cartoon that De has drawn for the book... She calls it the HMO rep., (Any resemblance to insurance representatives, living or dead, is purely coincidental).
The weather has turned cold... as if it knows that the beginning of Autumn was here... it’s great... my kind of stuff.
4 September 2000 :)
Please, say a prayer for my cousin Tiffany and my Aunt Pam too.... they could really use some clarity right now.
We brought Edith to the station in Poughkeepsie... both Ian and I started to miss her as soon as she boarded the train. Then we went over to work on the condo... getting it done... step by step.
Later we set about to have Ian’s Mom over for dinner..... that was a mess! You know you can’t barbecue when you have to approach the grill by crawling on your elbows...... What amazes me is how something can be black.... burnt beyond recognition, (we could only tell the chicken from the beef by dental records)... and still manage to be raw in the middle?... *sigh*.
3 September 2000 :)
Spent the day taking it easy ‘cause I didn’t have a whole lot of energy. Mom and Aunt Toni Ann came over to share some coffee and hang out... which is always a fun thing.
Edith is getting ready to leave us tomorrow and head back to the West coast.... I’ll tell ya... she really is wonderful company... I’m gonna miss her and I know that Ian will too... he’s been moping around all day.... acting like somebody licked all the red off his candy.
Edith, Sonya, Ian and I went to see, ‘The Crew’... It was really a funny movie from what I saw of it anyway... I ended up spending most of the time in the men’s room... an ‘Imodium moment’.... all part of the wonderful world of Chemo.
2 September 2000 :)
Today I gave myself my very own Neupogen shot... all by myself! (That’s not bad for a devout coward!) Went to see my Mom today.... she had hurt her foot but is doing much better... she told me all about the class she will be hosting this month... Esoteric Tarot... sounds really interesting... I’m planning to go.
Ah, Labor Day weekend..... hmmm.... most of our friends are going somewhere... Ian and I decided to just stay home.... relax... barbecue one of the kids... hehe.
1 September 2000 :/
Update: Aunt Rusty is in Key West having a blast..... Marv is doing fine - holding his own.... but Guiseppe pasted away this week... that was really fast.... I’m really sad for his family.
Spent a lot of time listening to Trever... he could not understand why I was upset about yesterday.... heh.... after a long drawn out discussion he and I came to terms and agreed to try yet again. I just want things to calm down. I still get diarrhea when I get stressed out.... damnit.
After all the fuss and nonsense I called it quits and settled down with a six pack.... (in Chemo Speak that means I took a nap and had a sleeve of Imodium caplets in reserve.)
Edith went to Albany to visit her sister and Ian and I were going to go to the movies.... ended up doing take-out and video..... oh well!