30 November 2000 :)
I woke up to magic... it was snowing. Everything was covered in a great white blanket and somehow it just made me feel like nothing could ever go wrong.... yeah. It didn’t last long.... the snow ... and the feeling.
I took Trever to a special meeting to get him enrolled in a day treatment program - so far so good - we go back tomorrow.
My blood counts are better so we all went to New York to have dinner with Tara and her husband Marco. On the cab ride over we passed a car that was being driven by a short young woman, sitting in the passenger side was a great big animal.... sitting there looking forward - he was bigger than she was. When I mentioned that it was a standard poodle Trever flatly stated that he thought it was “a sheep” at which point we all broke up laughing and the driver proudly cried, “Now there’s a New Yorker.”
Tara and Marco are adorable together... not in a ‘finger down your throat time’ adorable, more of a ‘tee shirt and cap’ sorta way... they just go together. Tara gave us her car, which we drove home....I asked her if she had named it.... “Yeah, “she said, “Car.”.... That’s Tara... straight forward and to the point... gotta love her.
29 November 2000 :)
WoW... one of the most exciting days I’ve had in a long time!
The day started with John coming all the way from New Jersey to administer tests to me for the company..... It was so cool. We got to have breakfast and catch-up and then got down to the business of the work. It was so kind of him to schlep all the way to do that... and it was really great to be able to see him.... it’s been almost a year since we had the chance to meet face to face. I think I took him aback with my appearance... but he was kind and I enjoyed the visit.
That’s a hell of a start huh?.... there’s more...
OUR HERO IS HOME!!!...... Yes.... after two months, Trever is back home. (The dog went crazy) I gotta tell ya that not only was he discharged - he was presented with a Certificate. Yup.... Our Hero was one of the few who were able to attain the four level advances (0-3).... one after the other .... and held them.... he never had his level rescinded! I’m really proud of all the effort that he’s put in... now he’s home..... *sigh*.... now the work begins.
28 November 2000 :)
There was no way for me to go to New York... the blood results are low... I thought they were..... that explains a lot. Maybe by Thursday I will be Ok to go.
Ian was terrific - he wouldn’t leave my side. Just having him here with me was the best medicine in the world.... we had fun just doing nothing. We painted the floor in the basement to look like terra cotta tile.... looks outrageous. (Just use real thin masking tape to make the grout lines and roll with Rustoleum Colonial Red paint and remove the tape while it’s still wet.)
To make Our Hero feel good we took a white sheet and made a ‘Welcome Home Trever’ sign to greet him when he returns.
Guess what... my eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to grow back... I have four eyelashes.... not bad..... I can picture myself standing outside a Hair Club For Men.... grabbing a salesman by his lapels..... “Come on man.... gimmie an eyebrow..... just one... Ya know I’m good for it”.
27 November 2000 :\
I got a call from Trever’s primary counselor at Never Alone. She wanted to know if I would be willing to let them hold Our Hero for another week because they hadn’t heard from the New Paltz school board as yet... seems they had left several messages for the superintendent of schools, but no reply.... hrmn.... I said no. I walked to get my blood drawn then I went to see the guy in person... he wasn’t there but I spoke with his secretary and let her understand what I needed and how I would be happy to resolve it at this town level... or go to Albany.... or put Mike Rebell on it, (the lawyer from New York who specializes in Board of Education stuff that I hired in ‘98 to sue them... and won). They called me back that afternoon..... Trever will be coming home as scheduled.
Saw Perfect Storm..... a great movie if your feeling too happy.
Tara called me to say that she wanted us to have her car since she’s moving to Holland Friday... is that sweet or what! I wish there was time to throw her a party to send her off properly.... maybe we can just do an ‘Instant Party’.... provided I have the energy.
26 November 2000 :/
So tired again... I’ll bet the blood counts are way low.... that would explain how I feel. I decided not to let it get the better of me so I went and washed the car.... Ian thought that I was nuts ‘cause it was raining all day... but I wanted to see wanted to see what it felt like to do something that was unexpected - and there was no line. It was kinda fun really... besides - I knew it was clean.
I also went to see Trever... he was so happy to see me... he’s looking forward to coming home and nervous too... the consequences are steep if he crosses that line now... Mariann thinks that could be a good thing to help hold him back from using.... I sure as hell hope so.
Please say prayers for Joy.... she’s a writer and a friend of my Aunt Rusty’s who had battled cancer.... beat it ... and now learned that it may have returned... that sucks.... but hey - if you can do it once....you can do it again!
25 November 2000 :/
Wiped out today... really tired. Slept for the most part..... since I haven’t much to tell I’ll share a really cool website that my friend Anna turned me on to.... It’s for your horoscope... but it’s Rude... and funny.
24 November 2000 :)
A bit sorer today... no problem... (Thank God for Joint-Ritis). The stairs had a creak sound develop... I fixed them. I even cooked dinner myself.... made a special dish that Stephanie taught me for dinner and lobster tails steamed in wine... ummmmm.
Tara called me today... she wants to get together this week.... she just married the man of her dreams and is moving to Holland...... soooo romantic.
23 November 2000 :)
Shawn, Ian and I headed to Stephanie and Steve’s house in New Jersey to spend it with Aunt Rusty. We had the best time... It was great to be with them at Thanksgiving - everything was amazing... and I didn’t choke once.
22 November 2000 :)
When we went to see Trever at Never Alone they were celebrating Thanksgiving in a marvelous way... with a Gratitude Session. It was very beautiful.... everyone took a turn sharing with the group what they were thankful for.... there were a lot of tears, some laughter too... ah life.
I have so much to be thankful for... Ian my Ian, my three sons being alive, Melanie, Mariann and Robbie, our Mom’s, all the abundance of love that’s in my family and Ian’s too, Bret, Mary, her son Robert, Tara, Colleen, Sophie, Anna, Dewee, Rick and Bernadette Wernon, The Moffitt Center, Dr. Ruckdeschel, the time I had with Scruffy, my cat Kimo, the gang at Never Alone, all the doctors and nurses that helped me to survive, all the angels in my life that have prayed for me.... some I know.... some I haven’t met... yet.... the laughter that comes to me and through me.... for the ability to record my thoughts and share them via the web.... and even for the experiance of Cancer which has been both a burden and a blessing.... Oh yeah... and for Paxil.... the stuff that’s helped make all these ramblings reality... to me anyway.
21 November 2000 :/
I was on my own today.... not in as much pain as I had expected... that’s always a good thing. I am real excited about the future.... so neat not to focus on Chemo. Tomorrow I start the Neupogen shots... ugh.
I got a call from Ed McNiff today that made my day... he was razzing me about stuff and making me laugh... his wife Rita was joining in too.... thankx Ed.... I needed that... and pssst.... you are my favorite..... *smile*
20 November 2000 :/ LAST CHEMO SESSION DAY
I had expected today to be a total joy.... it was more of a mixed bag.... hrmn.
Ian and I headed off and, (with God’s help) I received The Last Chemo Therapy Session..... TADA. We both wanted to share the excitement so we brought in two dozen Dunkin’ Donuts and ground coffee.... we also asked to buy lunch for all the patients and staff... but believe it or not everyone had already brought their lunch so..... we didn’t..... (a bit anti climatic really).... but hey.... like it really matters. Fact is it was The Last Chemo Therapy Session.... (I just like the sound of that). The Last Chemo Therapy Session.... yup..... it’s definitely got a ring to it!
Later today Ian and I ran into a snag..... I’ve mentioned that we’re working to recapture the magic in our relationship.... well we hit a speed bump and I just went out for some air.... I went by myself and saw “Meet The Parents”.... what a funny movie!). When I came home I went to the basement and started painting... Ian came down and we talked. It’s a process... (a phrase I’ve come to phucking loath.)
19 November 2000 :)
Trever and I played three games of Chess... one for me, two for him..... all good. He was told that he should be coming home on Wednesday the 29th.... he can’t wait.
Ian and I spent some time together having fun.... dinner and stuff.... Later on he and I played poker with Shawn.... we all had a good time.
Tomorrow is my last Chemo Day..... Thank God.
18 November 2000 :)
Ian and I have known each other for six years and seven months today.... time sure does go by real fast... too fast.
Kris and Melanie came over and are staying the night. It’s always so good to see those two.... they went out to hang with some friends then came back early to hang out with us.... very kewl.
To celebrate Thanksgiving we’re gonna wait for Trever to come home.... but in the meantime on the real Thanksgiving day we’re planning to visit Aunt Rusty at my cousin Stephanie and Steve’s house.
17 November 2000 :)
The last Chemo treatment was scheduled for Monday.... Yea.... I’m getting’ there.
Ian and I decided to go to New York and have dinner..... so we did. Took Shawn too and we played cards to and fro.... it was a fun night. Kevin Spacey was at Grand Central Station filming his new movie... Ian saw him.... I shied away from the crowd. I’m looking forward to more and more days like this.
16 November 2000 :)
There is a guy out there named Fred who turned out to be an angel for me... and he doesn’t even know about it. Thankx to his intervention Ian and I are beginning to really appreciate each other even more.... *phew*... that’s a good thing.
Something really special happened today.... Sophie, a friend of mine who I’ve mentioned before, brought me to see Dawn Flynn, a Reikki healer, who looks just like Sally Field.... Sophie told me to come and see her... that there was no charge.... and that it would be great. Well, I went and it was great....Dawn worked with me for almost two hours. During the healing it was impressed upon me that there was an older couple there helping out..... they were physicians and were assisting Dawn - their sir name was Greene. Funny thing is that when it was all done and we were discussing what she had picked up she said that it was impressed upon her that I was having a ‘Green Day’ ..... cool huh? Guess what - Turns out there was a charge all along.... Sophie knew it - she had wanted it to be her gift.... I thought that was so precious of her and I was touched by her kindness..... she’s also been working on me since the beginning sending me distant healing.... Sophie is one of my angels..... am I lucky.... or what!
15 November 2000 :/
Today I was real WoZzy but I went to see Trever anyway... it was important and I was glad that I did. His growth is steady and even Robbie saw the improvement that he has made.
When I came home our friend Salena was there... she is wonderful and she is so familiar with the stuff that we are going through ‘cause she works with kids that have troubles for a living. She stayed and shared with us unselfishly for hours.
14 November 2000 :/
I was feeling real punky all day.... I cannot remember when I’ve slept this much.
13 November 2000 :(
Today was really a hard one..... Ian and I have been at odds, for the most part. To go into details would cause more harm than good.... but it was a challenge, suffice to say. I’m not sure what part, if any the medication plays, or if it’s just what I’m about... but sometimes I carry things too far and feel things too deep. Well during a heated discussion I took one of his cigarettes and lit it.... I know.... I was all worked up and very much in a ‘so there’ frame of mind.... very third grade.... I inhaled one puff and no more, not that it really matters. Ian was very... Ian. He neither condemned or condoned what I was doing.... just looked on as a matter of fact.... Ugh!... I was looking for pleading .... a cry to maintain sanity.... also very third grade. Well, it tasted like shit.... and now I was stuck... there I was holding the damn thing and Ian was smugly looking on as if to say...”well?”... I tried to pretend that I was smoking it.... didn’t quite work though.... finally I just put it out... hrmn.
I gave a seminar to some firemen (just a coincidence) in Poughkeepsie later that night... they made me coffee and we talked.... it went well.
Since I had coffee I knew I’d be wide awake.... so I took Nyquil to help me sleep... it worked.... sort of... I woke up in the middle of the night .... soooo nauseous..... and groggy (the Nyquil).... that I was up three or four times stumbling into the bathroom to vomit into the sink... but you would have though that I was drunk..... Ian got up and went to the store to get ginger ale...... I was so out of it that in the morning it was all like a bad dream..... then I saw the ginger ale on the night table and fell in love with him all over again.
12 November 2000 :)
Trever is counting the days (15) until he’s home..... so am I. The process is a long one... that’s life..... and life takes time.
The dinner party at Roberts was great fun. His home sits on a beautiful and peaceful lake... the interior is decorated with style... the theme is pure comfort. He’s a natural host... one of those people who can make you feel like you live there. The house also belongs to his two goldens and they let you know that you’re their guest too. The group was nine and everyone was laughing and having fun. The hor d’oeuvres were Vietnamese shrimp, caviar, salmon, and brie... the dinner was Beef in a ginger sauce, lotki and red cabbage.... all cooked to perfection. Robert said that it was the first Christmas dinner of the season and the Christmas music playing was accompanied by a roaring fire.... It was a little slice of heaven.... the last party I went to at his house was just before the diagnosis... so it felt great to be there having fun with friends and the worst of it over.
11 November 2000 :)
I woke Ian up at 8:00 am and wanted to take him out to breakfast and hit the malls for more retail-therapy, maybe get in a movie..... but he was sleepy all day. There is a party at Roberts tomorrow and we’re planning to go.... that’ll be fun.
Bernadette and Rick were in town today.... Bernadette loved what we did with the condo.... I’m so glad that she does.... and sorry that the project is over, I did have some fun with it.... onward - onward.
10 November 2000 :)
Trever called to let me know that he had attained ‘Level Three’, (the highest level they have- that’s very cool! Now he can call home more often, stay up later, and have other privileges. Best of all it shows that he is serious.
Ian and I hung out doing nothing.... but having fun in each other’s company..... like the old days. Working on our relationship is proving to be fun. I got so many amazing ideas and suggestions and a lot of reminded me to keep it simple and go back to basics....... one said, “be the man he fell in love with - and he’ll fall in love with you again”..... I thought that was poetic.”
9 November 2000 :)
Today was completely spent putting the final spin on the condo... it looks fantastic..... Ian joined me later and we spent some time together.... things are feeling better.
8 November 2000 :/
Ohmigod... I had asked for some suggestions and I was amazed at the response.... sometimes you can’t see the obvious..... Thankx.
Went to the condo real early.... later in the afternoon Ian and I and Mariann headed off to see Trever. What a session.... we all shared thoughts and perspectives and it was insightful.... to say the least.
Ian and I went out to dinner all by ourselves.... it was nice to spend time alone together.... (rarer than a 1943 copper penny).
7 November 2000 :/
I’m trying to find ways to keep my relationship healthy. It’s not so easy..... I’ve learned that loving someone with all your heart and soul is great.... but not always enough. I’ve also learned that relationships can often become a casualty of war.... and usually at the end, (guess ‘cause you’re real tired by then). I love him far too much to just watch it wither.... I’m open to Ideas so feel free to E-mail me if you have any.
6 November 2000 :(
Ian was in a weird space today... I talked with him at length.... he’s really outta sorts.... bored and unhappy. He wants our relation ship to survive..... but I guess we’re in trouble. Funny.... .here we are in the home stretch..... came through so much shit ..... I have no real idea what we’re heading into but I sure hope we can pull the nose up in time.
Trever and Shawn..... bla bla bla.... whatever.
5 November 2000 :)
Well the best laid plans of mice and men.... I never did get to see Aunt Rusty and Linda.... damnit.... they had to go to a baby shower for my cousin Theresa and I went to see Trever in the afternoon.
The kid is really impressive and even Mariann was blown away by his increasing maturity...... what a change. It would really suck if this was like the episode of Dallas where it all turns out to be a dream.
By the way the joint aches are lessening - big time... I’ve noticed that not only are the side effects increase in intensity... they also seem to increase in duration with each session too...... I don’t care - ‘cause I’ve only got ONE MORE SESSION LEFT.... Yeah !
4 November 2000 :/
Now that I’ve got Paxil the world can all be mine.
My cousin Linda is here from Key West and I’m gonna see her tomorrow... Gary couldn’t get away.
Kimo is still running around the kitchen meowing, “Take me” .... poor thing.... and Buddy is right behind here saying, “Where ya wanna go?”.
3 November 2000 :/
Ian is feeling better... physically, that is.... but he’s so distant emotionally that I really want to be anywhere else but here. Cancer can be a really hard place to be... I know that this is hard on him and I would do anything to change this shit... but alas I’m not God - I checked my license.
Never Alone called and raised some concerns about Shawn attending the sessions.... One of Shawn’s teachers called to let me know that he was attending class and just sitting there - no homework - no participation. I also received three referrals attesting to the same. When the lad arrived home I informed him that he was grounded until ALL the work was up to date.... Shawn is acting remarkably like the spoiled child that he is. (I realize my part in the making of that monster so I take a bow.)
Kimo the cat seems to be in heat.... this wouldn’t be news worthy except that she is insisting on bringing the relationship she has with Buddy the Basset Hound to a new level..... this confuses Buddy who has a hard enough time finding his food bowl.... hrmn.
Can you tell that my prescription for Paxil ran out?
2 November 2000 :\
Today is an achy sorta day. Everybody is starting to get effected... Shawn is a pill and Ian seems like he has cabin fever..... *sigh*.
1 November 2000 :)
I’m having a real hard time updating the site - just got AOL 6.0.... there seem to be some bugs... hmm..... had to un-install it and went back to the 5.0..... now if only life were that easy... huh?
Went to see Our Hero today... during one of the group sessions he actually chastised another kid for not showing me enough respect!! Wow - what an amazing gift that was! I have seen such a turn around in him... it gives me great hope. I know that a lot of it comes from the endless prayers and I want to thank everybody for sending them.
Since I was going to see Trever I didn’t use the Joint-Ritis (since it smells like menthol)..... my ear lobe.... on the right.... it’s the only place on me that doesn’t hurt.... and it’s my own damn fault.