31 August 2000 :)
Today Mari and I went to Family Court for the PINS stuff on Shawn and to address the matter of the missing money that was charged to Trever. We decided to drop the part with Trever to give the guy a chance to pull things together. Shawn was quite upset that he had to be there and at first was truly belligerent later he settled down.
I spent the rest of the day working on the condo which is coming along nicely.
Meanwhile..... Trever didn’t come home at the appointed hour... hrmn... I finally went out at 11:00 and found him sitting on a bench with Sara... tsk, tsk..... I grounded him for tomorrow and will not allow him to be downtown for the time being..... Our Hero is really not a happy hero right about now.... poor dear.
30 August 2000 :)
Got up at 5:00 AM today and went off with Robbie to do the stores... It was fun to hang with him... we went out for coffee after we were done. Worked on the condo a little more and then later I went out to meet with a gentleman to discuss his finances. He was really nice and was not afraid of working with me.... I asked him if he was and was relieved when he said no... that’s a step in the right direction... although I’m still not used to that ‘Uncle Fester’ look.
29 August 2000 :)
Nothing special.... just tired today. I painted a bit and put up a new drop ceiling in a room in the condo... that was enough to tucker me out today. *Ugh*... I hate being so tired and unproductive.
28 August 2000 :)
Strange day... not as much energy as yesterday... it’s unpredictable that way.
I tried to call Marv today... it’s his first day getting chemo.... it’s also his birthday. He’s such a sweet and kind hearted fellow... please say a prayer for him.... he sure could use one.
Well Ian found some interesting things in Trever’s pockets.... a picture of Sara, (who was drunk again today) and a pack of rolling papers... hrmn... “Lucy.... jew ga some splain’in to do!”
27 August 2000 :)
Woke up at ten and walked two miles before I even had coffee! Walked the other three miles later.
Mari came over to give me my Neupogen shot and we went to the Galleria to find the coat she really wanted, (which we did) - a black wool swing coat.... very nice. Later we went to the food court... I was famished. I got some sesame chicken and stuff but when I went to eat it I started to choke... scarred Mari.... I went as fast as I could to the bathroom and made it just in time... not a pretty picture.
Speaking of pictures check out the cartoon that my friend Dee drew for the book I wanna write about cancer.... she calls it the Nausea Fairy.... perfect!
26 August 2000 :)
What a great day! The weather was terrific and just the perfect day for the Garage Sale that we and our neighbor Mary had planned. Two other families followed suit and a third had his son sell homemade lemonade. We did good and best of all - we had fun. If they touched it... they wanted it ... and I made sure they got it! The secret to a good Garage Sale is to forget the value of the item and focus on lugging that shit back to the Garage! Forget it... I didn’t care if I only got a nickel.... I was selling it or giving it away.
At ten o’clock we headed to LaGuardia to pick up our friend Edith.... a gorgeous slip of a girl who reminds me of Audrey Hepburn. She came in from the coast and we have the pleasure of her company for a week.
25 August 2000 :/
Please say a prayer for Guiseppe..... he’s 60 and has cancer in the bones and the doctors are really scaring him and his family... see... they don’t know about the power that comes from all the prayers that you all send out... thankx.
I went off to Middletown.... the white count was up.... Tada.... so I was able to get Chemo... (and he scores!!)
Funny thing.... life I mean. While I was getting the infusion I was working on Ian’s laptop writing and something made me look at the date... didn’t know why... the 25th.... yeah so? Then I remembered.... my Dad died sixteen years ago today, from cancer... sixteen years ago.... in my arms..... and suddenly I could remember what it was like to touch him, what he felt like.... and here I was getting Chemotherapy. Strangest thing is that when I was a kid I thought he was far too tough and not to smart.... heh... (oh I can honestly say I was really stupid then - he was great!). But growing up I loved him, but I didn’t understand him - heck I didn’t even like the guy.... and now all I want to do is be more like him.... funny thing huh?
24 August 2000 :)
Mom made some more chicken soup..... God bless her.... It’s good - and good for me too.... but I’m beginning to peck the fuzz off the carpet.
I’m either getting better every day... or with the memory loss I’m just forgetting how strong I was yesterday.... ahh well.... more soup.
Ian is working away at the Halston show... I’m so proud of that guy... he’s all excited ‘cause the company website for ILIAD that he and his business partner, the beautiful Diana, have been working on is done. It really came out well.... except that I would have used their photos..... they really are a hot looking team.
23 August 2000 :)
Rainy day..... I was also a bit tired so I just gave into it and took it easier. We only painted for a couple of hours and later Ian and I changed the vanity in the upstairs bathroom with a used one.... and it doesn’t leak at all. This might not sound like news, but for those who know me - this is big!
Our little cat, Kimo, is always hanging around me.... Whenever I am at the computer she climbs up on the monitor and lays there with her paws hanging over the front.
22 August 2000 :)
Did very little today... too tired... still the pneumonia.
Had our weekly meeting with Jim - Trever’s probation officer..... Mariann and Robbie were there too. The meeting was really productive.... Jim suggests that I just keep a record of what he does that I have asked him not to do.... (Trever’s Greatest Hit’s.... not available in stores). If I have a problem I don’t even have to confront the lad.... I can just let Jim know and He will take care of it...... (yeah)..... where has this guy been all my life?
There appears to be some confusion as to just how long Our Hero has been smoking too.... I was aware that he had been lighting up since he was fourteen.... bear in mind that we were trying to help him stop using marijuana. He told Mariann that he was smoking since he was thirteen..... and told my Mom that he started at ten..... he just gets younger and younger with every person he talks to. Thinking back, I began to wonder about the day Mari’s water broke if it wasn’t Trever’s doing.... his little arm reaching out from the womb.... toward the coffee table for that first cigarette.... and a BIC..... hmmm..... would explain all the missing lighters in that third trimester.
21 August 2000 :(
Went off to get Chemo.... didn’t happen... they insisted on a chest x-ray.... turned out to be pneumonia..... geeeze. So they ordered some antibiotics.
Got back to the house where I had left a list of what tasks I expected to be done. The boys were up and being totally obnoxious... especially Trever. I gave them fair warning. I told them that I had run out of Paxil for three days... that I was free wheeling it. But after an extensive tirade on how unfair it was to ask him to contribute to the house hold.... I told Trever what was on my mind... I held NOTHING back..... I told him how much I loved him and how little I liked him..... There was more..... I ended it with the hope that they were both ‘blessed’ with children that would be just like them.... (ouch). End note: I picked up more Paxil.... yeah that will be a good thing.
I told my Mom about the pneumonia and she told me not to work in the condo... I told her I was going to anyway.... ya know what - she showed up at my door with her friend Susan, (who always reads the site and has emailed me) and they were both dressed and ready to paint..... isn’t that the sweetest thing!!! I could not allow her to help me... not in her present state.... but I sure felt lucky to have such a pal.
20 August 2000 :\
Got some more sleep today then got ready to go to the condo. The boys were ready faster than Ian and me and were in a real hurry to go and get it done - so they could hang with their friends. They were being such nags that I finally found it easier to bid them farewell... and off they went. Ian and I actually had a better time working without them.
Mom came over with some home made chicken soup and is gonna stay the night. Mary, our neighbor, came over for coffee. It’s really nice to have her here.
Tomorrow I go to the doctors to see if I get Chemo... guess it will depend on how the whites are doing..
19 August 2000 :)
I have some respiratory infection happening ‘cause there‘s ‘green yucky stuff’, (that’s the medical term) when ever I cough.
Oh well... didn’t let that stop me from painting in the condo... I want to see it done. Trever and Shawn helped Ian and I and a lot was achieved today... still a lot to go.
18 August 2000 :\
Ian and I have been together for six years and four months.... sorta cool. Unfortunately I am so under the weather that I slept the entire day.
17 August 2000 :\
Ian went to New York for meetings with the Blass and Halston people.
Mariann and I went to Family Court for Trever..... everything went as was expected - he has one year of probation, may not do drugs and must attend class. Any violation of his terms may result in his being placed somewhere else. I sure hope that he takes this to heart.... it’s really time.
16 August 2000 :\
Ian and I went to straighten up the stores for Robby, (the bread shelves) and got home at 3:30 in the morning. At 8:30 Mariann and I were on our way to Family Court to get the PINS petition placed on Shawn, which we did. When we got back Ian and I and the ‘PINS Twins’ went to paint in the condo.... Today was exhausting. Tomorrow we go back to court for Trever.
15 August 2000 :(
What a night! At about midnight Shawn came down stairs to talk to me.... he said that Trever and Dominick were talking about taking Acid.... he didn’t want to and wanted to know how to approach it, (this conversation took almost an hour). I spoke with Trever who was surprised and shocked and swore that Shawn was lying. When I approached Dominick he told me that he had never said a word to either boy - but had dropped acid a couple hours ago. I was so sad and disappointed.... I explained to him that as per our conversation a month ago - it was time for him to go..... so at 1:oo in the morning Dominick packed his stuff and left.... what a shame - I really like the kid. Oh... by the way - it turned out that Shawn made most of the story up - he just wanted to get Dominick out of the house.... thought that he was too well liked and was getting too comfortable. Trever was so angry and hurt that his brother would try to dump stuff on him when he already has so much going on already. I don’t blame him at all. We all talked about the events of the night and didn’t get to bed before 4:00. I had diarrhea too.
As a result of the stress and lack of sleep my white blood cells were too low to allow me to get the Chemo... so we have to try again next Monday.... that sucks.
Met Jim the probation officer... seems like a great guy.... Trever was taken aback ‘cause the man was so nice - as opposed to mean. I tried to explain that he had no reason to be any other way.... but that he was tough as in unyielding. Turns out he understands the special needs of a cancer patient... he lost a child to the disease.
Speaking of children... please say a special prayer for two really special ones: Adrienne and Andrew... they live in Tampa and sure could use them.
14 August 2000 :)
No Chemo today.... forgot to take the steroids yesterday night. Oh well, memory loss is also a part of the whole Chemo-therapy experience.
Aunt Rusty is in town..... got to see her at Mom’s with everybody - that was really nice. She brought her little dog Treasure with her.
Getting some dirty looks from some of the older folk who are mistaking me for a skinhead.... I’m toying with the idea of getting a leather and chrome spike collar for the hell of it.... heh.
13 August 2000 :)
Today was kinda fun... I got to see my Mom, Kris, Melanie, Mariann and Robbie.... I even got to see Doug, an old friend of Kristopher’s when he was the twins age..... I have no idea where the time went.
Worked some more in the condo getting it redecorated.... Trever and Shawn helped too.
Tomorrow I get to have more Chemo.
12 August 2000 :)
That’s it - I shaved my head today! Got real brave and went on my walk without the customary baseball cap this morning..... stopped to get some milk and pumpkin seeds... handed the girl my money and she exclaimed, “look at your change.” (it was $6.66) I remember wondering if it meant something.
When I went to Arms Acres to visit Trever I found him waiting this time with his duffel bag.... Ok..... seems there was a fight and he was attacked by another patient. The staff had the choice of either forcing a kid out who had a long way to go or discharge a kid who was going to be released the next day...... they asked me if I would be willing to take our hero home..... I did.... hrmn..... (guess that explains my change this morning)
11 August 2000 :)
Had a sleepy day for some reason.... don’t really know why. Lot’s more hair loss today... *sigh*.... Got the house prepared for Trevers return on Sunday.... hmmmm.... those 28 days went by fast.
10 August 2000 :)
Trever called early.... all excited.... seems Psycho-Mom said that she would adopt the lad..... God bless her. She told him that she would never speak with me, but that her lawyer could speak with mine.... Ok that’s a plus. Trever was upset when I told him that I would be happy to sign the papers, but that the State may not approve him coming out of rehab and living there considering that her daughter Sara is an alcoholic..... duh.
Jill, the woman from Social Services, is aware of the situation and is aggressively looking for a placement home for Trever should one become necessary.
I spoke with his new probation officer.... Wow.... from the Bronx..... been around the block.... takes no nonsense... my kinda guy. He sure has his work cut out for him.... said he’s ready for Trever.... that he’s “seen it all”.... I didn’t have the heart to mention the head rotation bit and the pea soup....
9 August 2000 :)
I needed to take my mind off of Trever and all the hurt that goes along with him these days so Ian and I took Shawn and Dominick to Mountain Creek. Although it was a lot of fun, there was also some mixed feelings.... seems like I was constantly beginning my sentences with, “Trever and Shawn .......” and stuff like that.... then I would catch myself and feel miserable. After a while Shawn was looking at me funny. I thought of an old Folgers commercial..... “We’ve secretly replaced an alcoholic teenager with a respectful kid......”...... oh brother..... I guess bringing them to a place that the twins and I always went to in the summer was a mistake.
Ian was concerned about the ‘West Nile Virus’ ‘cause he found a dead bird on our lawn..... I told him to relax.... hrmn.... this is New Paltz.... it’s probably a drug overdose!.
8 August 2000 :(
Interesting is a good word for today. Mariann and I went to the Family Day at the rehab. First we were taken to a private area and the details of the ‘slapping’ was discussed. The policy strictly prohibits the striking of any client and the facility felt they would have to dismiss him..... gee whiz..... Mari and I met with a woman who is in a high position.... we even submitted a letter asking them to reconsider their position.... I hope it helps.
When Trever learned that Mari was there he refused to participate at first... and later changed his mind. He was arrogant and belligerent.... it was sad really. Later we met with Danny his case worker and hammered out a contract..... it details the “who, what, where and when” that will define Trevers world.... I agreed that if Trever could find a family that would legally adopt him, (or take over custody of him) to be responsible for his needs both daily, medically and financially I would sign the papers.... Mari agreed too. Trever assured us that it will be no problem.... he swears that Sara’s mom (a.k.a. Psycho-Mom) has already offered..... I say let’s do it... go psycho - go psycho - go psycho...
Please keep my Aunt Marie and my Mom in your prayers tonight... they could use the shot in the arm.
7 August 2000 :/
Went to Middletown to meet with Liz, a woman who has a radio program at a local station. She gave Aunt Toni and I a lot of information that we need to follow up on in order to get our own talk show off the ground. Sure is a lot to learn.
Interesting call today from Arms Acres. The supervisor told me that a situation arose that made her suspended a counselor until Trever is discharged. Seems had he successfully antagonized a trained professional into losing his cool to the point that the poor bastard ‘bitch slapped’ the lad..... I knew Trever could do it.... the kid should come with a warning label on his forehead. Personally, I wouldn’t work there unless they gave you a 401-(k) and a semi automatic.... When he called me his voice was loving and respectful, (not like yesterday), he asked me to please assemble a legal team to possibly sue the facility for negligence and failure to protect his safety - at the very least get the guy fired..... yeah... OK Trev... I’ll get right on it.... (hehehe)..... I vote to make him employee of the month and give the guy a raise!
Tomorrow is ‘Family Day’ and Mariann has been asked to attend by the case manager.... Our hero has no clue.... Yup..... Tomorrow should be interesting.
6 August 2000 :(
Went to see Trever ....... that may have been a mistake. He tried to get me to buy him a pack of cigarettes... I said no. He said that in order to get the cigarettes he craved he had been selling them in the rehab! Seems that there is a woman patent who gets cartons and gives him three packs at a time - he sells two packs, (singularly) and keeps one. He said that in order to do that he has to “think sneaky, like a dealer”... and that the rehab should just give him the cigarettes so that he wouldn’t have to think in a sneaky way; if he had the smokes at his disposal he could change his thinking..... uhhuh..... that he didn’t want to sell drugs anymore. I swallowed hard... and asked casually how long he had been selling.... “two years - just weed”
I was glad that he was opening up, but emotionally I was staggering at the thought of how far my head had been in the sand and how deep my son was into all this crap. I told him, (and this may have been a mistake) that Shawn was no longer allowed ‘Downtown’ and that the same was true for him. He got really mad and said that essentially he should not tell me stuff ‘cause it only seemed to get him in trouble.... but then added that it wouldn’t matter since he would be living with some friends once he got out of there. I told him that was not really the plan and that I would only allow that to happen if they were willing to adopt him ..... and that the chances were rather slim... that’s when he went off. He was angry big time.... said that he didn’t want to live at home... didn’t like me... I was a selfish bastard. He stood up and gave a curt “bye” to Shawn and without a word, hug, or kiss for me left.
As I watched him saunter away I thought about putting up a poster at Shop-Rite.... ya know.... For Sale, one Boy - had all his shots - house broken - fresh out of rehab - Call......
I could not drive all the way home without pulling over. I couldn’t help but cry so I got out and started walking. I started to talk to myself and before I knew it I was yelling, hoping that God could hear... I admit I was upset and my language was less than reverent to the creator of the universe..... but enough - ya know? Fucking UNCLE already!.... I’m told that you never are given more than you can handle..... HELLO.... I’m hoping he reads the site.
5 August 2000 :o
I thought yesterday was crazy..........
For starters.... Shawn could not sleep last night... his conscience was troubling him. He needed to talk with me.... and did until almost 4 AM. Turned out he admitted to taking the money from Mari... that was sad, boy do we have a shit load of work to do. We talked about a whole bunch of stuff and he is starting to see that changes that he has to make.... and that perhaps some of the people that he is associating with are not the best for his own growth. It was a big step.
My Mom gave me a most generous financial gift and prepared a luncheon to celebrate the success that Aunt Toni and I have had against cancer. That was so sweet of her. The table was set in the most exquisite manner ..... formal service... seven courses.... brilliant. Aunt Toni, Aunt Pam, CJ, Jenna, Me, Ian, Shawn and Mom prepared to sit down when Aunt Rusty called to say that she was coming up from the Jersey shore driven by an old friend and her daughter.... (that would be very cool)... then Stephanie and Lynda called to say that they too were coming over.... (this was fantastic).... The problem came when Mom became concerned that everything wouldn’t be perfect.... she began to drive herself crazy with worry. She sent me to the fish market for more clams and shrimp and five more places were set at the table.... In the time that it took to accomplish these simple tasks she had worked herself into such a tizzy over the timing of the courses and the preparation that she had so carefully orchestrated with the original amounts ..... that she thought she was having another stoke.... no kidding..... an ambulance was called. As Aunt Rusty and everybody began to arrive - there was the emergency crew behind them. The doors flung open and in came eight guys from the rescue squad... It’s at this point that her three little lap dogs went berserk and would not stop barking.... I called Trever in the midst of this insanity to explain to him why I would not be able to visit him at the rehab today.... (while at the same time rearranging furniture to accommodate the stretcher.) That’s when the firemen showed up! Mom was great.... she just sorta looked around at all the chaos and softly said, “That’s nice, is the house on fire too?”
An EKG and a Catscan later showed that it was an inner ear infection and she’ll be fine.... thank God.... but next time she invites me to lunch I hope it’s out.
4 August 2000 :(
Well...... we didn’t see a movie last night... Dominic decided to stay over at the house instead... Ok. It was later that day that the fireworks happened.
Mariann dropped Shawn home around 10:00-ish and decided to count her money before she left... (can you see it coming?)..... there was a hundred dollars missing ....*KABOOM*... Mari hit the ceiling! I have not seen her this mad in all the time I’ve known her... (or my memory is really deteriorating)... Shawn emphatically denied taking ANYTHING and Mari stood there like a scene from Rain Man repeating, “I want my money, don’t lie to me, I want my money, don’t lie to me, ...”
Mom stopped by for a visit while all of this was going on and it was a zoo, poor thing, no wonder that she visits as infrequently as she does.... it’s a MaD HouSe.
When everyone had left and gone their separate ways.... Ian and I were left in the dust to give the matter thought ..... we ended up at the mall..... saw a movie, “Hollow Man” which Ian really liked and that I think is a rental.... hollow man... huh.... interesting choice for a title.
At the time of this writing I was interrupted by a visit from a State Trooper named Hastings who came by to serve Shawn with the formal complaint papers to appear in family court that was issued earlier in the day by his Mom... ya know.... if I were on a life support machine there are times like this that I’d pull my own fuckin plug!
3 August 2000 :)
Ian and I headed to Albany early this morning for the surgery. It was kinda strange to see so many faces that I recognized in the OR...... thank God for health insurance.
By the way not only is Aunt Rusty doing better ... so is Bill, the guy I asked you to say a prayer for..... fantastic!
Got the last of the shots today. Shawn is staying over at Mari’s and Dominic is staying overnight at Evan’s. I’m getting giddy with freedom..... might even go see a movie... muahaaaaaaa.
2 August 2000 :)
Some really great things happened today... Aunt Rusty called to tell me that the doctor told her that there were no new growths... that’s so encouraging to hear... all the prayers you all have said are really doing some good. By the way, she sent me a photo of Treasure her puppy.... isn’t he cute.... my Aunt Rusty and my cousin Linda are in the photo too.
By the way... my white cells are way up.... 15.1%..... Wowzer bowzer.
Trever called.... he wanted me to pick him up so that he wouldn’t get beaten up by some seventeen year old from the city who thought he stole something out of his room...... ok..... I told him that I would get him but that he could bet his last buck that he’d be placed out of here.... he’s gonna call me later tonight.... *sigh*
On the coolest note... Ian got the accounts of Bill Blass and Halston and will be doing their fashion shows... I’m so proud of that guy..... and Ian has a ....... Home Page that you can visit.... tell me what you think.
1 August 2000 :)
Well everything turned out to be OK with Trever.... he remained calm for the night..... I got diarrhea as a result of the stress however.
Today was ‘Family Day’ at the rehab and I went in the hope that Trever was more receptive than he was last Tuesday.... Nah.... he was just as disinterested now as then. I met the cousin of a famous comedian..... seems he lost his mom to cancer when he was fifteen..... he talked with Trever for a while in the hopes of helping him to see the light... we’ll see. It was too hot inside the room and there was no air movement..... that tends to make me nauseous..... sure enough..... I had to excuse myself twenty minutes early ‘cause I got sick as a dog. The cold air in the car revived me within minutes.